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Parenting Special Needs Children
Top 5 Qualities of Successful Special Parents
By Teri Brown
Parenting is demanding, joyous, exhausting and fulfilling. If you are parenting a special needs child you can double the emotions – and the exhaustion. It is no secret that special needs children need special parents, but what qualities do these parents need to have?
"Special Needs families do best when they are resilient, flexible, open-minded, resourceful and positive," says Karen Krivit, a social worker for Philadelphia Elwyn Early Intervention SEEDS Program and founder of the Philadelphia Autism Network.
It's very difficult for families to even begin to think about what qualities will be needed when a child is first diagnosed, but the following traits will help parents positively and constructively deal with the needs of their very special child.
A child's disability can be devastating on many levels to a family. According to Krivit, the emotions that a family goes through at first diagnosis can include tremendous amounts of guilt, anger and blame. These feelings can become crippling for a family if they are not acknowledged.
"It's important to accept that family members express feelings in a variety of ways," Krivit says. "For example, one parent may be deeply sad and talks and cries to many people, while the other parent becomes quiet and isolated. Both of these parents are expressing sadness but in different ways. Often family members feel that if others aren't behaving as they are, then they are not feeling similarly. It's important to be careful not to criticize each other's coping style, but to give each other the space and validation to have feelings."
Parents harbor many images of things they dream of doing with their children – playing a sport, attending their wedding or even teaching them a favorite song. Krivit says that often a child's disability forces parents not only to modify these fantasies but also to adapt them to their child's true capabilities. "This can be difficult, but it is an ongoing part of the grief process," Krivit says. "Here is where a family must learn to tolerate ambiguous feelings. On one hand, there is an acceptance of limitations; on the other hand there is a need for enthusiasm and hope. Families who are accepting of their child's disability are in a much better place to help each other and that child to thrive. These families can look at their child's strengths, and plan effectively with the child's medical and educational team for the child's future."
