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The Gift of Being There
8 Secrets for Visiting a Seriously Ill Loved One
It's been three weeks since Sarah, your best friend since college, found the lump. The days since have been a maelstrom of medical appointments, tests and tearful phone calls. Yesterday's call brought the grim news: metastasized breast cancer. Sarah's chances of survival, says her oncologist, are tenuous at best. And now, as you huddle miserably in the hotel room in the city where your friend is hospitalized, you can't seem to motivate yourself to get dressed. You're supposed to be visiting her right now, but you have no idea what you're going to say.
If you can relate to this scenario, you're not alone, says Susan Apollon, author of Touched by the Extraordinary: An Intuitive Psychologist Shares Insights, Lessons and True Stories of Spirit and Love to Transform and Heal the Soul (Matters of the Soul, 2005). Few prospects are more daunting than facing a loved one who has just received terrible news.
"Finding out a friend or family member has a life-threatening illness can knock you off your foundations," says Apollon, who works with seriously ill people and those who are grieving. "It brings all sorts of intense issues – death, dying, loss, love, spirituality – to the surface. Many people have no idea what to do with the powerful emotions that well up. No wonder we don't know how to 'be there' for a loved one. We really don't know how to 'be there' for ourselves."
If (or as is more likely, when) you're in this situation, Apollon wants you to remember two overarching principles: "First, no doctor knows how long any patient will live," she says. "They just don't. Patients defy the odds every day and real, documented miracle healings have occurred. This knowledge will give you hope. Second, realize that you can make the choice to work through your fear and share pure, unconditional love with your loved one. Giving this gift enriches her life and your own as well."