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Religious Differences at Holiday Time

How to Merge Faiths to Create Lasting Family Traditions

By Cara J. Stevens

Parents of different faiths and backgrounds often in theory feel ready to create new traditions as a family. In practice, however, it can be hard to let go of strong emotional ties from childhood that many people don't even realize exist. Couple that with the pressure from extended family, some members of the clergy and often years of religious teaching, and merging traditions can turn your relationship into an emotional tinderbox each December.

The challenge is: How will you, as parents, help the child grow up in a positive, respectful, loving way without making her have to choose between whom she loves most, says Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner of the Foundation for Family Education. Here are a few strategies to help you do just that.

As with anything you do as a family, it is vital to work as partners and decide together (and ahead of time) how you will celebrate. Talk with each other about your personal feelings about your holiday celebrations: what you love most about the holiday, childhood memories you cherish and parts of the holiday you could do without.

Some families opt to forego the expensive present-fest and make the holiday more spiritual, while others prefer to secularize the holiday and focus more on family. "For us the biggest thing is love and family," says Lisa Ellgass of Chicago, who is Jewish but whose husband is Catholic. "We do everything together and we always get together with both families."

Once you've outlined your goals, you'll probably see a number of similarities in the way you celebrate and in your hopes for your family. After all, as partners in a marriage, you have already established many common goals, values and morals. You also share ties to family and friends, near and far away. The winter holiday season, whatever your background, emphasizes these values and strong bonds with loved ones.

Most cultural and religious groups throughout the world celebrate the values of spirituality, kindness, family, tradition and faith. Many religions use similar items to represent these values: lighting candles, exchanging presents, enjoying special meals, spending time with loved ones and telling stories. Even if you are raising your children in one tradition and not the other, by honoring each holiday, you are handing down age-old traditions to your children and expanding their cultural experience.

Margie Coles, of the Interfaith Council of Washington, grew up in a mixed family. "We didn't 'blend' Hanukkah and Christmas ... we just honored both," she says. "Each of the holidays is very much about family so there were always family gatherings for both."

Want to see more?

• Blending Family Traditions
• Holiday Beginnings: New Traditions for the Family of Today
• Celebrate Hanukkah: Activities to Make, Play and Eat With Your Preschooler
• Holiday Headquarters
• Talk about it!

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