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Home › Articles › General › A Special and Grand Relationship

A Special and Grand Relationship

Grandparenting a Grandchild with Special Needs

By Sue Marquette Poremba

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It is most important to keep an open mind. Unfortunately, many grandparents discount the child's disability. It is not uncommon for grandparents to think that the disability is caused by poor parenting skills, Panaccione says. There is a generational component at play here. When the grandparents were raising their children, things like autism, ADD or attachment disorders were around but not understood or diagnosed.

Some grandparents also feel guilty or threatened by the child's diagnosis, especially if the child's parent showed the same symptoms while growing up. No matter how they feel, it is important for the grandparent to avoid placing blame for the child's illness, and be pro-active to accept the child for who he is.

Becoming Informed
Grandparents enjoy getting to know their grandchildren, and a grandchild with special needs should be no exception. However, the tactics to know the child may be different than normal. The first step is to ask questions: What are the limitations of the child? What are the capabilities? What is the parents' approach to raising the child? Experts suggest the grandparents go along on a doctor's visit and ask questions there, as well. The more the grandparent knows, the less uncomfortable the grandparent will feel. In-person and Internet support groups of grandparent peers can also be helpful.

Dr. Sophy recommends that grandparents keep a running dialogue with the grandchild's parents. "Grandparents should always discuss with the parents of the children to determine what they would like to do, and then modify their behaviors and actions accordingly," she says. "Oftentimes, grandparents over-compensate for a special needs grandchild. This may not be a good thing, as a special needs child needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. Always take the parents' lead so as not to create further inter-familial issues."

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