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January 16, 2003
When I set out to write this diary my goal was twofold. Firstly, I wanted to produce something that my kids could read later on and secondly, I wanted to produce an account for other parents of children with DS; something that would give them a taste for what to expect and maybe a little hope. When Victor was born I found two really good books: Babies with DS and Count Us In. The former explains the disability and how it affects the development and the latter is written by two boys, my age, with DS who talk about themselves. I wish I could have had a book that gave me the parent's insight.
Then the resolution time of the year kicked in. In the first few days of January, I thought about all the different aspects of my life that I would have to work on and during this thought process I noticed that, in my diary, I’ve been focusing maybe a little too much on the disability. Our life is much more than coping with a disability so this entry will focus a little more on how we got to where we are today. 2001 is a good place to start.
****2001****
I started the year pregnant with Olivia. For my B-Day in January, I got a gift certificate to a weekend retreat in the country. While driving back from our getaway weekend, Eric and I started talking about all the changes we would be living with the arrival of our little bundle of joy. We calculated that we’d need to spend quite a bit of money to shift the office to the basement and the tool room in the basement to a shed in order to liberate the extra room. Right there and then we decided that there was no way we would be spending that kind of money on such items when the kitchen and the bathroom weren’t even redone. We’d just lose the money. The very next day, we called our agent and put our house up for sale. It sold in one day above asking price: 24 visitors, 3 offers. There would have been more offers but when they found out about the competing bids, they opted out. When the agents left, Eric and I gave each other high fives but the exhilaration only lasted a couple of minutes. It didn’t take us long to realize that we’d be going through a similar bidding war on our own purchase.
We were definitely caught in the early start of a rising market and the only houses that seemed to be coming to market at the time were complete and total dumps. We had a price range and we were dead set on meeting it. We had to. I was going on mat leave and we knew I would be quitting my job. If I didn’t find anything interesting after that, I would be going back to school. We settled for a home that fit our needs perfectly but very far off what I would qualify as my dream house. In other words, if I knew I was going back to a job, we would not have settled for that house. Today, I’m happy to say that it’s growing on us.
At work, the business plan was going to hell in a hand basket and I was being asked to do things that were totally unethical. It was driving me mad. To soothe my soul, I would once in a while visit the pregnancytoday diaries as I was avidly following Allisun’s and Amanda’s. I couldn’t wait to start my maternity leave and finally get out of that mouse trap. I called the government and found out I could start it as soon as 10 weeks before the due date and still get the full benefits and I made it my plan. I finally took off the first week of April. I spent the whole month organizing, packing, shopping and being with Victor. We kept our Nanny until the end of May. That gave us just enough time to settle into our new home. I loved every minute of those two months. Then June came around. I was less and less agile but this helped me to slow down and focus all my attention on Victor. Every afternoon, we’d take our naps together and go to the park later on when the sun wouldn’t be as strong. Needless to say, Victor was very jealous when his little sister arrived. He always remained very gentle with her but he’d spend his days lying on the floor crying. Every time I would pick her up for a feeding, he would bring me a book. I’d have to tell him to wait a little but he wouldn’t understand and just cry and cry and cry. It broke my heart. The first month was really hard on both of us. That’s when I decided to hire a teen to come in a few afternoons a week. It didn’t work out very well, I had to tell her everything but it was still better than nothing so I kept her on until the beginning of school in September.
Two weeks before my July 3rd due date, one of my ex-bosses called to tell me that he had recommended me as a potential candidate for a job opening. He strongly suggested that I consider it. Opportunities like this one don’t come knocking at your door very often in Montreal so it was a pensez-y bien. A few days later, I got a call from the employer and a lunch was scheduled for two weeks after my due date.
I gave birth to Olivia, lost most of my weight and jumped right back into my best suit. It fit like a glove except at the waist. I passed a hair tie through the buttonhole and with the jacket covering the skirt the trick was done, no one would ever know. It turned out that the company was about to be sold and they didn’t want to add a new name before the deal was concluded. That meant I would not be starting until September or October and that suited me just fine. If he could wait until January that would have been even better. Just like everyone remembers where they were when Kennedy was shot, I’ll always remember September 11. It was a beautiful day in Montreal, I was on my way to Zellers when I heard that the first tower had been hit. As I was parking, they announced the second tower was hit and just like for everyone else it hit me that it was pure terrorism. As I walked through the store, everyone was silent, trying to make sense of it all. I just felt so sad. It’s only when I sat in my car that it hit me: bye bye dream job prospect.
When I got home, a flashing light was signalling a message. It was my boss to be announcing that he wanted me to fly off to Toronto for an interview. It struck me as odd. I knew the airports were closed. Wouldn’t they know this? I called him back asking him to delay the flight - I didn’t really feel like sleeping at the airport for a couple of days! The funny thing is that the horror didn’t have the same impact on Montreal as it did on the USA or maybe it only depends on the work environments. It remained business as usual (with some inconveniences) and I got the job. I started on October 15 and kept on looking out the window at the planes going over. What if?
****2002****
Eric and I both knew that taking this job meant a lot of sacrifices. It was a high stress job where I had two years to prove myself. It meant business trips, it meant Eric taking the back seat, it meant putting my 3 month old baby in someone else’s care. But this was my big break. I was finally going to do what I had set out to do 10 years ago. We determined that two years of sacrifice were nothing for the rewards it could bring us and our family. After 2 babies and 2 mat leaves, it wouldn’t hurt to fill up the piggy bank.
“Boulot, metro, dodo” is basically how I would define 2002. I would characterize it as one of the toughest years of my life. Lots of worry and little enjoyment. Constantly feeling as though we were driving 100m/h, either in cruise control, either in crisis management. Many ups and downs and always questioning our choices. Hence, Not much time to nurture our souls.
On December 31, at the end of the day, I could finally tell Eric: “We did it. I made my numbers. It was all worth it!” One down, one to go…
****Hello 2003****
I know this year will be easier on us. The kids are a little older and we’re already starting to think of trips and activities. I’ve got one year of good performance under my belt and have earned the respect of my boss and colleagues. That’s a big weight off my shoulders.
This success called for a little self-indulging. Eric would finally be getting his home entertainment system. Eric laughs at my obsessions but he’s got his own. We can successfully carry on two conversations in parallel. While I’m talking about whatever I’m analysing at the spur of the moment Eric is either talking about his future car or the merits of some new electronics toy and I’ve been hearing all about it for the last few months. While he was shopping for his new toys, Olivia, Victor and I sat in the 40,000$ room watching the kids all time favourite: Toy Story. I think we were close to the end when I stuck my head out the door and asked Eric how much longer he’d be. We hopped into the car and drove to the pickup area. There were so many boxes we’d have to come back for a second trip. On our drive home, I was ruminating. I didn’t really want a sound system, we already had one that sounds just fine to me but I knew I had to give in and I knew his next obsession would be the car. He promised he wouldn’t talk about one for at least two months. Yeah right! The kids fell asleep during the ride home and we talked like we hadn’t done in a long time so we dropped off the boxes in our garage and I decided to go back with him to pick up the second batch. It felt so good to just talk like we used to before we had the kids.
It took him a good part of the afternoon to set it all up and I sat there watching him and we talked some more. We determined that we were two egotistical people really doing a crappy job raising our kids. That’s when we decided to watch every single episode of Life’s Real Families. Maybe that could help us instil a little discipline in our kids. It showed me what being firm means and it also gave me a few ideas. The first principle that stuck is that you don’t have to win every battle to win the war. So here are a few of our accomplishments:
- Toilet training
I put Vic’s tape recorder and Elmo tapes in the bathroom. He can only listen to them when he’s on the toilet. While he used to scream and cry now he sit quietly on the toilet.
- Eating habits
A couple of night ago Victor refused his supper, he pushed his plate across the table. All he wanted was a piece of blueberry cake. To my dismay Eric gave in to him. I instantly jumped up and took it away from him. Victor was not a happy camper and started to cry and scream. I told him he could have it only if he ate his supper. He pushed his plate once more. I told him I’d count to three and if he was still crying at three he’d go to his room. At three he started to scream even louder. I took him to his room and told him no to come down until he was in a better mood. I knew he was starving and sure enough he came down and ate his supper. You should have heard him when we gave him his cake! Cheering with his fork up in the air.
Yesterday for supper, Eric made them meatballs, fries and green beans. Vic ate his meatballs and begged for more. We told him to eat the rest. He ate the fries and begged for more. We told him to eat his green beans and we’d give him more fries and meatballs. At first he pushed his plate. Then he brought it closer and ate one green bean. Right away Eric gave him the fries and meatballs we had promised. He was in heaven. We applauded and he was smiling from ear to ear. He ate everything in his plate, green beans included. I’m convinced this was a breakthrough. We can finally start reasoning with him.
-Bedtime
We still haven’t won the battle at bedtime. We can’t get him to stay in his bed. I have no problems with co-sleeping except that I can’t sleep with Victor. He’s a wiggle worm and he snorts. A few times a night, we must put him to bed and it’s a fight. He gets out over and over again screaming and crying. I’m just happy Olivia’s sleep is very deep.
Because of these discipline issues and because he is getting older, we decided to join a parent’s support group. We meet once a month and talk about different topics pertaining to discipline, daycare, integration, respite services…. The schools are having their open house at this time of year and we must select the one we think will offer the best services and “prepare” them for Victor’s arrival. The group gave us a lot of useful insight. At first, I wasn’t too sure how much I wanted to stay in the group. There are no parents of children with DS but after our last meeting I realized that many of the issues and dilemmas we face are common no matter the disability. I have to admit that I felt a little discouraged when I heard their stories about the school system. We’re in for a tough time no doubt about it. I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when we get there.
**** Back to the Routine****
Victor and Olivia both started daycare on the 6th. Olivia loves it. The educator can’t believe how fast she’s adapted. Yesterday when I dropped her off, I peaked in her room and caught her giving hugs to each one of her classmates the same way Victor does it. What a sight. Victor is still her big brother and I’m enjoying it while it lasts. When Eric sat him down to dress him up at the end of the day, Victor said: “Dada”. Maybe 4 is the magic age at which he will start to talk. Two more weeks of waiting: February 5 will be his birthday.
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