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November 4, 2002
Well, I never got Victor to wear his Tigger outfit. They asked us to bring his costume to daycare; they were going to dress them up during the day. I could have sworn that he would have worn it after seeing the other children in their costumes. Nope. Jackie found a costume somewhere in the daycare and dressed him up as a little pow wow instead. When Eric picked him up, he was still dressed as a little Indian and asked them if we could borrow it for the evening. The costume was a small issue relative to another one… When Victor was born, the specialists told us how and who he would be (aaah! those misconceptions). Some of their words turned out true, most not. One of them was that he’d be a creature of habit. I am proud to say that he adapts incredibly well to change except in one area: food. If he does not recognize it, he won’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Candy is part of this food category. For obvious reasons, I never pushed it while he was small so now he has absolutely no desire to try it. On the Wednesday evening train, I knew I had to devise a strategy. How could I get him excited about trick or treating if he has no incentive? That evening, as soon as he finished his supper, I opened a box of Smarties and popped one into his mouth. Out came a grunt and the Smartie! I picked it up and put it back in his mouth and clenched his jaw shut until he chewed on it. It’s a radical technique and I’m sure some people would be horrified but that’s the only way we can get him to try new foods. As soon as he chewed on it he made the sign for yum and more: Victory! It was his first time out trick or treating and he loved it. When some would ask him to choose he would take everything. As enthusiastic as he was upon seeing the candy, I knew it would end the minute he would land a bag of chips, his all-time favourite. Sure enough, a few houses later he got 2 bags of chips and that was it, I lost him. His eyes popped out of his head and all he could think of was eating them right there and then. He refused to carry his bag any longer and we had to head back home. He was so anxious to open that bag that he refused to let me take off his coat, hat or costume. He sat there in ecstasy with a scavenger roaming around him. Olivia had just spent the last half hour gorging herself with chocolate and was now eating the crumbs that he was leaving behind.
Most of the time, I can read Victor but very often he catches us by surprise. Sometimes we wish we could be in that head of his. With Olivia I feel as if the universe is unfolding the way it should, as if I can sit back and know that she’ll show me the way. I’m extremely proud of my children but I’m convinced that my feeling of pride is somewhat different than that of most parents who’ve only had normal and healthy children. When Victor reaches a milestone I am happy and relieved, knowing that he has acquired an extra skill to get by in this world. When Olivia reaches a milestone my feeling is somewhat similar but different in that I can’t help but think that she’s going to have to do extraordinary things to impress me. Upon reaching a milestone, I don’t think my child is exceptional, I just think that nature is exceptional. Every day I am faced with the injustice in life and I know I’m going to be tough on Olivia. I know I’m threading on thin ice and, as you can see, that explains why I have been putting a lot of energy into understanding human nature. I’m convinced that it will make me a better mother.
We’ve established a long time ago that to be good parents you have to take time off from the kids. Hence, once in a while my parents come over to babysit and give us a little respite. At first, Eric felt guilty. He thought we should not be dumping the load on them and that we should find ourselves a babysitter. I decided against the babysitter until the youngest turns 2. Furthermore, it gives them a little time with the kids and I know my parents, if they did not want to do it, they’d just say no. It’s wonderful to see how much my parents love their grandchildren. Olivia just loves my father. He got her first real smile, one of those flirty ones too. He even got her to say grand-papa when she was hardly babbling yet. Every time I see my father, he’s so proud to tell me all about Gabrielle's (my brother’s daughter) latest exploits. I imagine that he does the same thing when he sees my brother. They are so incredibly interested in our children and I feel blessed for that because I realize that many parents don’t actively participate in their grandchildren’s lives.
On one of our latest outings, we went to see a small production called “How’s your News?” starring a group of handicap adults traveling across the US in a caravan. Upon arrival in each city, one of the travelers would interview people walking on the streets. Two in the group had Down syndrome. The first one was in his mid-thirties and spoke intelligibly, the other one was literate, obviously understood everything, yet spoke complete gibberish. When his turn came to interview, his targets could not understand a thing and their reactions were quite disparate. One person walked away pretending that he didn’t exist, another simply guessed what he was saying and responded according to that guess. If someone had asked me beforehand how people would react to his speech impediment I would have guessed right but despite this I was still stunned and laughed out loud. Eric had the exact same reaction. The interesting thing is that we were the only ones laughing in the cinema.
When they reached the Continental Divide, he read a sign out loud. Same gibberish, same reaction: laughter. I had thought that finally I might be able to follow his finger and recognize the sounds coming out his mouth but that was not the case. We laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes. The people in the row in front of us were obviously appalled and kept giving us icy stares. According to the rules of civility, this instance called for seriousness. Why did I laugh? If I didn’t have Victor, I probably wouldn’t have laughed. Even weirder than that, when they gave me the stare, I felt I had the RIGHT to laugh and felt no guilt whatsoever.
It’s not the first time I’ve broken the complex code of civility, laughter is my trademark and I’ve gotten my share of icy stares. In my yearbook most of my classmates alluded to my laughter and one of them went so far as to say that my laughter would ring in her ears until the end of her days. The difference this time is that for the first time in my life I felt the compulsion to understand the source of laughter. Why is laughter so taboo? Many people are annoyed by these convulsive outbursts and this has always kept me perplexed. What I find even more interesting is the sheer number of people who don’t understand the essence of laughter. In my book, if you don’t understand the source of laughter, you don’t understand human nature. With all this in mind, I did my own little research on the subject…
Philosophers have been studying this subject for hundreds of years and are still refining the explanation. Leading humanists in the 1500s studied the phenomenon of laughter in conjunction with that of crying. Unanimously, they agreed that crying is associated with dejection, sadness and perhaps fear. But they soon found out that the cause of laughter is much harder to explain. Most agreed that one of the feelings involved was that of joy or happiness but they also determined that it was associated with scorn, contempt and hatred. Others believed that laughter was composed of joy and wonderment due to some incongruity or absurdity. But the prevalent idea was that of scorn. Why were they so committed to this idea? Laughter can be used as a powerful weapon of moral and political debate and the philosophers were primarily interested in the aspect of suasion. Usually there are many sides to an issue so if you want to sway the crowd into your way of thinking you can’t do it by reason alone, you must use passion. What better method than laughter and contempt to discredit your opponent?
The early-modern writers reiterated these views but they added to the theory by introducing a new emphasis on the role of suddenness and surprise. By the end of the 1600s the two groups of theorists (dark-laughter, genial-laughter) were butting heads but a number of moralists, for civility’s sake, decided that we should become weary of expressing our contempt in the form of laughter. At the beginning of the 1700s, laughter was virtually proscribed and it was seen as offensive against good breeding.
I am fascinated by the evolution of logic throughout history. Only a few hundred years ago the Brits were trying pigs and cattle in the court of law! Painters in the middle ages did not grasp the concept of perspective. Today all this seems so obvious. How could they view laughter in such a simplistic way despite all the examples to the contrary. Today at the park, Olivia was having trouble walking in the sand. I could tell she was getting frustrated and I laughed out loud, not because I felt contempt but because I knew that my laughter would calm her down. It did, she smiled back and didn’t take herself so seriously afterwards.
New thinkers came along and changed the definition as a social gesture in which society humiliates in order to preserve itself from the effects of political, ideological, social and psychological rigidity. Freud also added his take on the subject by describing humour as a way of dealing with pain and also offered an explanation on how aggression, inhibition, strong feelings of sympathy or fear can be turned into laughter. Laughter both confirms and denies society and approaches anarchy. Laughter can also provide a form of immunity and vulnerability. It permits us to keep our sanity but opens us up to the deepest attacks.
Finally, why did I laugh during those scenes? I laughed at the element of surprise and wonderment. It’s hard for our brain to accept that someone can understand, read but not talk. Also, I could see my Victor in him and for the first time accepted that Victor might never ever talk. I was probably also frightened at what the future would hold for him and us if he did not talk.
Danielle
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