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January 7, 2003
To say that yesterday was one of the most disappointing days of my life would be an understatement. I should have known that my husband does not like surprises. But I thought the happiness of the occasion would make this one time an exception. I was very wrong.
Steve didn’t read the card or smile when he saw the positive test. Instead, he called me into his father’s office and shut the door. I knew I was in for it then. He demanded to know why I sprang something like this on him at work. How long had I known, etc? I think the shock took over his emotions and he went into fight or flight mode. He listed every reason why we did not need to have this baby. I cried, he repeated that we should have discussed this at home. For a brief moment, I did not recognize the man I married. I started to get very scared and very angry. Not to mention defensive. He left me alone in the office and I had no clue what to do.
I went back to my desk and thought for an hour. Finally, I went to find him and I told him we needed to talk. I told him that all I had done since I learned I was pregnant was play out every possible scenario in my head. I said that the timing of this baby and the way I felt about it already were not easy to ignore. I told him that I wasn’t asking him to stop worrying or pretend to feel something other than what he felt. It was then that he asked me if I could handle the hard days ahead. That should have been obvious.
I know that my behavior at home may not always reflect my true feelings for my children, but I am doing the best I can. Yes, my nerves are frequently stretched to the limit. Yes, I sometimes say things I don’t mean in frustration, but I’m only human. I am doing the best I can. He told me he could handle it if I could and then he hugged me. He said, “This is some anniversary present.” I felt better but Steve was still quiet and distant all day. I had to take the kids to see the doctor and I left the office at 1:30. I decided that when I got home, I would give him his space and not say anything else about the baby.
Jarod has a chest cold that has been interfering with his sleep and making him generally miserable. His nose has been running like a faucet as well. I wanted to get Jaida checked over too. Our pediatrician loves my kids and the feeling is mutual. Jaida was excited about showing Dr. Simon her new dinosaur shirt. When he came in, she named each one for him to his great delight. When the exam was over, he said he didn’t feel we needed antibiotics yet and to let him know if Jarod didn’t respond to our treatment at home. Other than that, his lungs sounded fine. I was okay with that and he knew I liked to avoid invasive treatments if at all possible. The kids were laughing and playing around with Dr. Simon as he tried to write in their charts. Jarod tried to swipe his otoscope. Dr Simon normally plays a game with it on Jarod’s finger and he doesn’t forget a thing. He chuckled right along with them.
Suddenly he looked up and said, “You’ve got great kids, you really do.” I said, “Yeah, they should have their own TV show.” He laughed and continued his praise but it was directed at me. “You know with all Jarod’s reflux and wheezing problems, I think you’re doing a great job. He always seems so happy, no matter what’s bothering him. They’re a lot of fun and I think you’re doing a good job with both of them.” I solemnly said, “Well, it looks as if we are about to add to the fun.” Dr. Simon stopped writing and burst into a wide grin. “Well congratulations!” “It was totally unexpected,” I said. Then he said something I needed to hear more than anything else in the world at that very moment.
He slid his stool close to me and said, “You know, all things work together for the greater good to fulfill God’s plan. You don’t know how this baby will enrich your lives and add to your family. Let me pray for you all right now.” I bowed my head as the kids kept playing beside us. Dr. Simon bowed his too and closed his eyes, “Father I am asking that you bless this family and I lift them up to you. Keep them safe and help Mom come through her pregnancy healthy and deliver a healthy baby to term. May these children be healed of their sickness and continue to grow and thrive. Father I ask all these things in Jesus’ name, amen.” I was so moved and that was confirmation for me that this baby is meant to be. Dr. Simon gently touched Jarod on the head as he left and he waved bye to the kids. I thanked him and he smiled at me as we said goodbye.
I had to collect myself and not get emotional. I felt so good; I took the kids to Books-A-Million afterwards. I bought a baby book titled, “God Created Me.” I felt it perfectly suited the situation. I also got Jaida yet another T-rex book and we went home. That night, Steve was still quiet and I just went about my business like usual. He has nine months to let this sink in but I know he’ll come around before then.
As it turned out, Jarod had his worst night yet. From 12:45 until nearly 3:30 am, he hacked and coughed until I thought he would choke. I took him to the den and gave him two breathing treatments, but the coughing continued. I vowed to call the office the minute they opened and have them call in his antibiotic. I had given him a dose of 12 hour cough medicine before bed and it wasn’t working at all. I relented and gave him some Pediacare. We tiptoed back to bed but Steve had not been able to go back to sleep. I put Jarod in our bed and crawled in beside him. He coughed for a few more minutes and then he was out like a light.
Of course, I overslept and we all woke late. Steve was long gone when I woke up so I went to say good morning when I got to work. He immediately took me in his arms, kissed me and apologized for acting like a “butt hole” yesterday. I told him I understood his fear about the unknown but I knew it would all work out. He hugged me tighter and then I got to work. When my MIL came, she went to the back like she always does and I knew the instant he told her. I heard her shout all the way up in my office. He said she teased him about getting his vasectomy too late. She also lamented that I had my hands full as it was. However, she didn’t say a thing to me when she passed me on the way to her office. This weekend is the kids’ Sunday to spend with her. I’m sure she won’t be able to hold it in when we go pick them up. I can only imagine what she might say.
About 30 different people have told me that I may be carrying the next president or great American hero. Or I may be carrying a regular person that makes our lives so much richer with her mere presence. Time will only tell. All I know is I can’t wait to meet my little lambchop and tell her the story of how she came to be. In case you didn’t notice, I already think the baby is a girl. I am going to find out for sure because I have slowly gotten rid of all my tiny baby clothes. I don’t even have an infant car seat anymore or a bassinet. Those are long gone since a fall consignment sale. But September is a long way off and if you guys know me at all, then you know I will be ready when lambchop gets here. ;o)
Kim & lambchop EDD 9/05/03
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