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March 9, 2003
CAN I BORROW A CUP OF SEROTONIN?
I’m sure you guys know how anal and introspective I am by now. This pregnancy has made me even more anal(ytical) if that’s possible. As you may recall, I started taking an antidepressant/anxiety medicine called Effexor last November. It is a fairly new drug and as far as pregnancy and nursing goes, it’s a class C drug. That means there is not conclusive or sufficient evidence that it may or may not harm a developing fetus or nursing infant.
At my last prenatal visit, Dr. D said we would talk about tapering the dose and weaning me off the drug at my next visit. As the weeks went on, I was noticing some new side effects. I started having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was getting up five or six times a night to use the bathroom. My moods weren’t all that great with it anyway but it took the edge off my angry impulses. After forgetting to take it a few times last month, I realized the drug was causing all my problems. One night that I forgot it, I slept straight through and awoke refreshed. The whole day I tried to put my finger on what caused such a good nights sleep since I was getting close to exhausted. Then I remembered that I had missed the Effexor.
After experimenting with skipping it a few more times, I was sure that was the cause of all my restlessness at night. I realized that stopping it would be a slow process much like a detox from any other pharmaceutical substance but I stopped taking it for good last week. The first few days were rough. Just like when I stopped taking Paxil a few years ago, I was dizzy and easily agitated. I had to concentrate hard on driving and walking. Then the brain misfires began. The only way I can describe those is to imagine a quick succession of jolts similar to low voltage electricity going through your brain at various intervals throughout the day. Almost like when you fast-forward through a CD. Sounds like fun doesn’t it? I know the worst is over and I know I will be as good as new by this time next week.
This whole topic brings me to another subject. It became clear to me a while ago that I can only be “normal” with chemical help. I fantasize about never being depressed or pissed off for no reason. I hate that my brain is defective in this way and I wish with all my heart that I was just like other people. I think this is a hereditary thing since I’ve heard stories about my maternal grandmother behaving much like a manic depressive during my mom’s childhood. Sometimes when I’m in a bad mood, Mom will say I remind her of Granny. There is nothing in this world that I am more afraid of. Actually that’s not true. I am afraid of passing this little mental time bomb on to my children. Some researchers have even tried to link autism with family histories of depression and other mental disorders.
ANNIVERSARY FUN
Now let’s get on to lighter subjects, shall we? Wednesday will be our ninth wedding anniversary. Since there is no way we can go out in the middle of the week, Steve and I went out today. We had lunch at Roadhouse Grill, I ate like a little pig and then we saw a movie. After the movie we went shopping and then picked up the kids from my in-laws’ house. Jarod was coming down with a cold and my MIL said he had slept all through church. We talked to them for a few minutes before we headed home to get back to real life. :o)
We saw Tears of the Sun and I was not really in the mood to watch a depressing war movie. In my hormonal state, that is the last thing I wanted to see. I had paid no attention to the millions of previews for this movie. All I knew about it was Bruce Willis starred in it and it was about war. I got even more disgusted when I realized the bulk of the movie took place in the jungle with Bruce & Co. trying to stay one step ahead of the big bad guerilla rebels. Oh joy! And somebody please tell where his female costar got eyeliner in the jungle? Movies can really push it sometimes. Next time, I’m picking the movie.
I HEARD LAMBCHOP’S HEARTBEAT TODAY!
We did our regular grocery stock up and Sam’s trip yesterday. I must have done too much walking because this morning when I got out of bed…oh boy! My back, hips and calves ached like I ran a 10K the day before. I hobbled about getting the kids’ stuff ready for the trip to Grandma’s and when they left I flopped into bed to recover. That’s when I had a thought. If I was hurting this much, surely my uterus must be far enough out of my pelvis to feel by now. The whole time I walked around yesterday my stomach had a stitch-like pain down the center. Can my rectus muscles be separating already?
Anyway, I took the pillow from behind my head so I could be flat on my back and felt around. I could feel the grapefruit-sized ball just below my navel. I remembered the BabyBeat and I went to the closet to get it. I got back in bed and slathered the lotion on the microphone (is that what they call it?) and listened. At first it was just static and crackling. I heard my pulse again and then as I moved towards the center I picked it up. There is no way to forget the sound of a baby’s heartbeat on a Doppler. I smiled to myself and felt tears fill my eyes. My little Lambchop is growing and thriving in there. I can’t wait until I have another ultrasound. Not so much to find out the sex but to see for myself that everything is fine. The end of April seems so far away. I’m 14 weeks today, only six more to go!
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO NOW?
Do all my fellow Big Brother addicts remember that annoying Citrona commercial? That song has been playing in my head a lot lately. I think that my time here at Special Kids has helped me grow tremendously. I have been able to work through some feelings and issues I was dealing with as a parent of a child with special needs. I feel like this site is a great resource for parents and I think iParenting is doing a good thing by giving us a voice. Although for the first time I understand Danielle’s frustration over her diary a little better and her decision to close it.
However, I don’t think reporting on the daily goings-on in our house is really benefiting anybody. Talking about Jaida’s behavior and idiosyncrasies gets old for me so I know it must be getting old for my readers too. Not to mention the fact that I feel like I’m constantly complaining about something. It even led someone to believe I was suffering from a dangerous mental illness that was threatening the well being of my children. She told me just that on my TTM board. Just like Julia’s (BT) tagline for her current entry, that describes all my entries lately. In case you haven’t read it the title is: In Which I Seem To Complain About Everything. Are you seeing my point?
So dear friends and readers, this is my question. Should I remain at SKT or move to Moms Today? Do you really want to read about how much my kids are annoying me again next week or would you rather read about my multi faceted personality. I think I’m pretty interesting and a truer Gemini was never born. I literally have a split personality. I want to share more about my life outside of mommyhood and I felt like that would make for a better read. So tell me, what should I do? I know you’re dying to hear about my secret passion for hip-hop music (It’s getting hot in herre…) and my weird taste in movies. Muriel’s Wedding anyone? Hey, I like ABBA too!
THE NAME POLL
When I started the name poll, I was pretty sure Olivia would be my choice. The more I thought about it, the more I fell in LOVE with Jensen. After consulting a few more baby name sources, I discovered that Jensine is the Scandinavian form of Jane. Last week I asked Steve what he thought of the name, fully expecting to get shot down. Much to my surprise he said, “Why not? It goes with all the other J’s.” So unless I change my mind over the next 26 weeks (is that all I have left!?), Jensen Esme’ it is. I still haven’t broken the middle name to Steve yet. I figured I would get my foot in the door with Jensen. (grin) But being African-American, living in the South and a handful of relatives with trouble pronouncing might mean I have sentenced Lambchop to a lifetime of being called Jenny. ROFLMBO
Okay, that is more than enough for this week. I need to get ready for Monday and dose Jarod up with plenty of drugs to ensure that he (and I) will be sleeping tonight. If you don’t mind, please visit my TTM board and give me your opinion on staying here or moving to Moms Today. It means a lot to me!
Kim, Jaida, Jarod & Lambchop
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